Starting From Zero: Making Friends Abroad

A treasure that deserves taking your time to find

What do you think of when you hear the word “friend”? Before you read on, really think about it.

Has this word changed for you over the years at different stages of your life?

When I think of a friend, I think of a person beyond shared interests. I think of an individual who I connect with, a person who mirrors something inside me, a person I trust and who is willing to celebrate my wins and extend support when there are losses. This is how I relate to my friends, we support each other and no time or distance separates that.

My understanding of friendship has truly changed at each stage of my life. In the past, it was mainly based on shared interests and then the bonds of friendships began to deepen through the changes of life, now these friends are part of our family.

These are the people who show love, support, effort and consistency regardless of where we are in the world. They have made efforts to remain in touch and have even visited several times since we moved to Spain.

There are different layers to friendships, usually in these three categories:

1. Besties / best friends

2. Close friends

3. Casual friends

The layer I’m referring to in this post inevitably starts as casual friends with the belief that a few of these can lead to a deeper friendship level.

Whether you find making friends a quick event or a long ride, there is a stark difference when you move abroad.

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Current friendships vs new friendships

When analysing the current friendships you have, where did those bonds start?

For most people I know (and is true for me), friendships tend to form with people of whom you have had years of experience with. You may have friends from school days, university, leisure activities, perhaps you met through other friends, or those of you previously worked with.

Abroad, everything resets.

When you move abroad, the version of yourself will change. You are in a different environment, you have to start from scratch with everything. This can be exciting for someone wanting to create a new version or necessary if you’re running away from the old version of yourself, no judgement…

Most people typically arrive without a social network. The small interactions that once felt effortless with your current friends like making spontaneous plans, helping each other out, showing up unannounced, having someone to call when something goes wrong, suddenly require intention and effort.

Making friends is a crucial part of feeling like you are at home. Yet without years of memories shared, perhaps a lot of milestone events have passed, how does one start all over again?

Your to-do list is packed, your boxes still unpacked and now that little inner tug becomes bigger - it’s time to make friends.

Side note: I secretly laugh at our use of verbs ‘make’ reminds me of making a meal or a mess, depends if you can cook!

Right back to it - Come aboard the Journey of Our Experience ✈️ 🤝

Photo by author - before the the world shut down

When Isaiah and I moved from London to Spain, one of the common questions that we were asked was:

“Have you made any friends?”

We are known as social people with many friends back in the UK, so I guess there was an assumption that we would attract an array of friendships very quickly.

We also had our 6 months sabbatical here so we’d met a lot of people and had plenty of good times out with them.

However, two unforeseen things happened when we moved here:

1. Many of the people we connected with had relocated to other Spanish islands for work except one who is our business associate.

2. The world shut down, 2019, need I say more…

So aside from one person who we had connected with during our sabbatical, who we only saw a few times at that point, the closest individual we could call a new “friend” was our Colombian online tutor many months after settling here.

I don’t use the word friend loosely, we truly connected with our tutor. Our lessons were hilarious, we were all in a situation of still not being able to socialise outside our homes and we took comfort in laughing together until our stomachs hurt, discussing the terrible and funny films we watched, celebrating some milestones and discussing our limited seasonal holiday plans together online.

So making friends for the first two years - not quite the scenario we expected... Yet thanks to technology, we met Jesús. - our tutor, not Jesus… although it was ironic when we received an email from Mary the course organizer introducing us to Jesús. 😅

Screenshot taken by author

So how can you make friends abroad in your new home?

There are multiple ways:

• In a random place - We met our closest friends here at our local beach! They were leaving and we were arriving and their baby daughter looked a similar age to ours, we greeted each other, had a full blown conversation in Spanish (yay!) and exchanged numbers. Since we have celebrated many milestone birthdays, gone on excursions, had BBQs, had Christmas together and more. We’ve seen our daughters grow from small babies babbling to each other to the infants they are now.

Screenshot taken by author, top photo our daughter on the left and her amiga on the right, bottom photo the reverse.

• Through a course - if you’re learning a foreign language, partaking in an online or in person course can open the window to meeting people.

• Through your children - If you have children, you may make friends with other parents from your child/ren’s school. I’ve met some great parents here and are getting to know a few of them. Going on play dates can deepen the bonds of your friendship and those of your children.

• Through your pet - If you have a purr baby especially a dog in this case, open the doors to get acquainted with local people in your community by taking them on regular walks. In time, you may find the friendships you’ve been hoping for and hopefully for your pet!

• Community events - When you move to a new place, make an effort to get involved in community events. Depending on your country, you may find there are plenty of opportunities to get involved in helping, attending and meeting local people.

• Hobbies - A regular walk or attending an art or exercise class - these regular activities can give you chances to meet like-minded people.

• Expat communities - Joining an online or local expat community is a great place to start as the hosts usually arrange meet ups where you’ll have the prospect to bond with those in a similar situation.

• Through your work - if you are working for a company, you will get acquainted with your colleagues. Make an effort to get involved in the social activities, even if you don’t mix business with pleasure, you never know if you may meet someone through one of your colleagues that may end up becoming one of your close friends!

• Through your studies - If you have moved abroad for study, there are plenty of occassions to meet people. You’re a student, socialising outside of studying is a must!

Bear in mind that making friends doesn’t need to be a pressure, it can take time especially if you’re introverted or get socially anxious, yet it’s not about the quantity of people, it’s about the quality. Let the connections naturally take their course.

Here are some tips to get the ball rolling ➡️💡🚀:

• Put yourself out there - Go to places of interest, try new hobbies, visit local places on a regular basis. In time you’ll begin to recognise people and vice versa, this makes it easier to start conversations that can lead to a future bond rather than a one-off excursion where you may not ever see the people again.

• Do the uncomfortable - say yes to invitations even if it’s easier to hide at home. Invite people who you’ve become acquainted with for lunch / a coffee / a hike to get to know them more - this will help you immensely with building a bond.

• Don’t just stick to “your own” - It’s easy to stick with expats, yet make an effort to get to know locals, build connections with those from your new home country, this will broaden your cultural understanding and enhance your language skills. Often some expats move around, especially if they’re students or have work contracts that don’t extend to permanent residence.

• Use your intuition - connections are formed naturally, learn to read people, are they friend-worthy or simply an acquaintance? This can help you avoid certain circles of people. I doubt any of you want to have people around who are simply just tolerating you. Neither do you want to have those who are just using your good nature e.g. they’re happy to eat and drink at your new home and invite their friends for parties there but never invite you anywhere… Don’t fall for the trap of charm, friendliness and any loneliness you may experience, it’s better to have one genuine friend than 20 people who will ditch you when times get tough!

True friendships are like a plant, they need to be nourished, watered, cherished and it takes time to flourish.

So the next time someone asks if you’ve made friends, pause, release any pressure, making friends is not like buying a new product or service, it is a treasure which is worth investing a slower pace at finding.

Whether it takes you months or years to build friendships, remember that you are embarking a transitional period of your life, there is no pressure to rush.

In the meantime, remember your friends don’t have to live in the same country as you, keep in touch with your loved ones and hopefully you’ll have visits from them which can help you in this new season of your life.

Thanks for reading and be kind to yourself!

𝓒 𝓢𝓲𝓶𝓸𝓷𝓮 ✨